by Laura

It’s hard to know what to say here, you know? Sometimes I feel down and don’t post because I don’t want to bring anyone else down. Sometimes I’m afraid that if I say I’m not any better off than a year ago, people in a fresher stage of mourning will lose hope. I know I used to read other people’s accounts of their grief to try to figure out when I would feel better. But it’s pointless. We’re all different.

Where I am right now has little to do with time. My situation isn’t good apart from the grief, and it all gets globbed together. I do believe it’s important to tell people what’s going on with you, if they’ll listen. I’m here because, well, I don’t have anyone who will listen. I had a person like that once, and now I don’t. When the one person you could freely express your sadness to is no longer around, it makes things that much worse. I’m just feeling that in full force today.

I know myself. I know my needs. I need some help sometimes. I need to take care of myself. I need a break. I need to vent. But when I ask for more help, I get less. And when I ask for a break, I don’t get one. And when I try vent, I get not only rejected, but attacked. I’m not sure what to do with that right now. With so few people left in my life, the idea of letting any of them go is pretty scary. Which is worse, a missing limb or a rotting one that slows you down and hurts all the time? It’s a trick question. Even a missing limb can cause phantom pain. You can’t win either way.